everything and anything between now and then.

lime green and neon orange.

2012-02-10T22:56:00.001-08:00

I went to watch the movie Azura with someone I love (eh? haha) a certain someone who happened to be a batchmate of the ever so gorgeous main actress of the movie. the plot is pretty odd and illogical, but the messages the film portray are relateable.

on a random note, when efforts are not recognized, sometimes people get tired too. tired of trying. tired of thinking. tired of those sleepless nights.

tired and bored and annoyed.

maybe I should stop meroyan on twitter. orang baca pun bingung. I've said what I should have said; yet still no reply. I would appreciate a simpe "noted" as a reply rather than not knowing whether or not it has reached the person.

betul la kata dia. benda dikumpul bila dah banyak jadi camni.

screw you mixed feelings.

even if the sky gets rough.

2012-02-09T08:41:00.001-08:00

whoever claims that long distance doesn't kill should go back and check themselves. long distance kills, it may not kill the relationship literally, but other aspects in life might have been destructed during those times of being away. several months, things change, people change and suddenly someone new is in the picture.

& with the presence of someone new, time and attention have to be split so both parties won't feel left out or neglected.

and thats where one always screwed up. very much screwed, up to a nearly-permanent damage.

then there are other commitments. study, work, assignment, different time zones. they kill too, you know. in short, distance kills. so screw it.

am mad at myself. at circumstances. at you.

I am mad at you for not being able to understand. and mad at myself for not being able to make you understand. and for the circumstances, I am mad at us both for not being able to work things out.

mad. but at the same time, I miss you. I miss us. I miss that laughter. I miss that person who used to be the one I told everything to.

the one who stayed, when others came and went. also the one who slowly drifted apart, when I was away. (because who didn't reply my BBMs and tweets when I was in brisbane?)

the same person who is a huge part of me. the person I would donate my blood to. the one I would buy sarawak laksa for.

I miss you. very much.

I know I screwed up. I know how much you hate what I did but still, I do it.

all I want right now is to make things right again. to have you back in my life. to be the one who knows you, before brisbane, before them.

I may have changed, I may have someone else, but you will still be that person I dont mind picking up the call at 3 am in the morning when I am deep in my sleep.

take care. thanks for kl.

sorry tak spend time masa banyak. sorry tertido masa tunggu you on the phone.

sorry tak cakap banyak benda. sorry sebab argue dalam bbm. sorry sebab tak tau apa jadi dalam hidup you.

lets start all over again.

snow before flakes.

2012-02-09T06:35:00.001-08:00

"do not love the ones who don't love Allah, because if they can leave Allah, they can leave you" -(Brotherhood Arts 2012)

I just got back from kl, some 20 hours ago before this post is written. singapore was awesome, universal studios was great (though I prefer gold coast's movie world :p), great companion, good shopping, definitely coming back for a visit insya Allah. went further up to kl from singapore, met that certain someone I've been longing to meet since the start of summer, kacau his life for 4 days and went back to kuching. hati banyak riang. :) terima kasih anda.

well things happened. my bad. I know.

I need to find those right words to start writing.

train wreck.

2012-01-30T18:54:00.001-08:00

I wish I could I just run away to Fiji Island, work at a resort, change my name and be worry-free. or turn back time to year end 2009, where my only worry was whether or not a movie is fully booked, and the only issue to think about is where to have our meal.

those were the days, when things were way much easier. when everyone was still in kuching. when I don't have bills to pay and rent to worry about. when I was as carefree as a bird (?), oblivious to the reality that I should have focused on.

things were done without thinking, friends were all over, and I had fun.

good times.

things currently aren't as bad as how I might make it look, maybe it is just my hormonal change towards the beginning of a new month. but I still have those sleepless nights, thinking about stuffs that added up to my own internal conflicts.

headaches.

snowman.

2012-01-27T04:44:00.001-08:00

apparently everyone is going to be back in Kuching for raya this year.

and everyone here applies to close friends in the northern hemisphere and those studying in the peninsular.

everyone, but me.

#emosorangsorangdalambiliktimeraya

uni, y u no holiday?

what happened in summer.

2012-01-25T02:24:00.001-08:00

2 days before.

the fireworks outside weren't exciting enough to get me to go out and watch. people out there were celebrating the coming of the new year, while I couldn't find that excitement. everyone was around; preparing for the worst yet hoping for the best, although the chance for a miracle to happen was close to zero.

the wee hours of the day.

instant noodles. reminiscing the old days. those laughters. the sound of the machine that broke the silence of dawn. the disturbed sleep.

the day itself.

breakfast: I had my caffeine fix to make up for the sleep I lost the night before. then a simple message that made that day, "the day".

23 days after.

you are still in our mind. still live in our memory. I know I can say that you love us just as much as we love you. the grief, the loss, the depression and sadness that I felt were slowly fading into a memory. there is a ray of happiness again. I am looking forward to the trip to a neighbouring country with my closed friends before heading towards the peninsular, to see that certain someone.

life has to go on. though you're no longer around, you'll still live in us, in our memories, the memories that bond everyone together.

I love you.

always have, always will.

in ever loving memory, of the one whose love is abundant, whose smile warms everyone around;

who brewed the best black coffee and whose lemang was the best I've ever had.

may you rest in peace.

2/6/34 - 2/2/12

virgin colada.

2012-01-23T06:47:00.001-08:00

mid-summer.

lion city. the twin tower. cheras. damansara.

me. best friends. you.

counting days. I'm going to feel that warmth again.

and that never ending smiles, insya Allah.

vine station.

2012-01-21T04:28:00.001-08:00

"orang macam aku, memang kami sengaja kosongkan jiwa kami, pasai otak kami dah penuh dengan bullsht politik yang hangpa dok main" (lalang 2012)

Mat Luthfi's latest video on youtube, Lalang is a must-watch.

I bet besides him and me, there are at least another hundred who feel the same way.

sila tonton sendiri.

I am looking for the BM word for an unripe fruit. buah mentah? grr. my BM gets worse, after 2 months of not conversing in it.

lagi few weeks jumpa dia, insya Allah, memang pakai english la cakap nanti, macam zaman mula-mula jumpa dulu.

4: the women

2012-01-20T09:48:00.001-08:00

done with 4 juzuk al-Quran, alhamdulillah. another 26 to go, insya Allah. I hope to get done with all 30 chapters before leaving Malaysia again, and lets see how it goes.

I have this itch to talk about the current political situation in Malaysia but I dont want to risk spending a night in a jail. I had done few readings, both from the pro-government and anti-government media, but I'll just keep my opinion to myself. that is, based on two reasons. 1. I did not go in great depth regarding the issues, I only read to make sure I know what is happening and how both parties see them and 2. I don't know the truth, so I can't simply post something that is not yet confirmed the verdict; that is slandering.

even so, one is given brain and common sense to think and deduce what is actually happening. but whatever the deduction is, it is always best to keep it offline as anything that is said online, even a sick facebook joke can bring you to jail.

since its getting late and I need my sleep so as not to miss subuh prayer in few hours time, I dont feel like ranting on redundant things that I dont see any end in it, but rather getting more complicated (and more dirty) as time goes.

I still think it is ridiculous for the oil price to be reduced lower than what we are currently paying when the global oil price keeps on increasing.

subsidi semua pegi minyak, dua tiga bulan, insya Allah boleh tahan lagi, dah setahun, dua tahun, benda lain bukan tak perlu duit bro.

pentipu jah tu.

And of no effect is the repentance of those who continue to do evil deeds until death faces one of them and he says: "Now I repent;" nor of those who die while they are disbelievers. For them We have prepared a painful torment. [4:18]

class registration.

2012-01-15T18:56:00.001-08:00

my life is in a mess.

class registration done, alhamdulillah.

I have a back to back lecture and tutorial, which I hope will not interfere with the praying times, insya Allah.

I talk less with friends. I have things slipping off my mind. my life revolves only around me, my family and very few friends who live in the same time zones as I am. I need to re-organise my life, meet up with people, get things done and be less anti-social.

I don't know about you, but if I could, I would take a year off, spend my time backpacking around the world. the thought about being a sole traveller is appealing. maybe I would travel alone. somewhere around the coming summer break. or earlier.

I need some time off. to be alone. to discover new places. to let go of things that I refer to as excess emotional baggage.

but I'll be back.

day 14.

2012-01-15T07:25:00.001-08:00

the thought of you still lingers in my mind.

I miss you still.

knowing that you are to leave, gets me prepared, for the worst. although it doesn't save me from those sleepless nights, those forlorn feeling, of knowing that the one that I love is, (and will) no longer there.

another had it differently.

in just a matter of few hours, a phone call turned its world upside down.

nearly a year of being together, (together, in a sense that we are closed friends, [with feelings attached, *cough]) I didn't expect for us to be sharing this much emotions. from the feeling of being on top of the world to devastation, anger, frustration, up to the feeling of loss and grief, I think we have mostly covered 40% of feelings known to human kind.

the remaining 60% is yet to be discovered ;)

memang pentiru. segala-gala nak sama. sampai benda macam ni pun jadi sama.

may Allah give us strengths to face these challenges,

amin.

sampai batas waktu.

2012-01-13T05:37:00.001-08:00

cherish your time with your loved ones because they might not be around the next day.

coping with grief is different for everyone. some hide their feelings well while some, everything just shows.

still the empty feeling. getting emptier still, after the text message I received when I was still deep in my sleep.

he said to me, the same thing I said to him less than 2 weeks ago;

"I will always love her..."

where the rainbow ends.

2012-01-12T06:52:00.001-08:00

not telling of an absence doesn't mean one is denying another's existence.

it is not easy to find someone to share things with, be it good or bad.

when two (or more) people are updating each other on their lives, there shall be at least one person that is always being mentioned by one party until it feels like the other party has known this person as well.

distance is meant to see how far two people would go to work things out.

regardless of how detail a plan is, it goes back to the Almighty to decide whether or not should it happen.

a girl needs a girl friend to do girly things with. i.e, going to the salon and uhm, talk about whatever girls talk about when not a single man is around.

a subtle self-reminder, something I found on the web;

"if you ever fell in love, don't act beyond His limit,

because you know He is the one who bestows the feeling and He can take it anytime"

... and I hope everything goes well on your side, insya Allah :)

someone like you.

2012-01-09T17:32:00.001-08:00

they saw those vacation photos and envy those studying abroad, thinking of how lucky they are. little did they know, the things that we had been through, those uncaptured moments where one literally feels like hitting the rock bottom at a time or another. nevertheless living abroad taught us more about life, of how things are not always easy and we get to appreciate every little thing more.

...

too many great moments in Brisbane.

one of it, was when I had my question answered, even if it was the very last.

laut china selatan.

2012-01-09T05:36:00.001-08:00

jauh beribu batu.

pertemuan pertama. perbualan pertama. sekadar bertanya nama. tanpa sedar. pertama jadi kedua. dan selebihnya. itu kenangan semalam.

semoga perasaan ini tidak menjauhkan kami dari diriMu ya Allah.

dan semoga kami sentiasa menjaga batas pergaulan, batas perasaan sepanjang perkenalan ini.

terima kasih ya Allah, kerana mempertemukan kami, walau hanya dalam jangka waktu yang singkat di bumi Brisbane.

sesungguhnya. aku berserah kepada aturanMu; kerana yang datang dariMu hanyalah yang terbaik untuk hamba-hambaMu ya Allah.

everytime when my phone blinks pink, it never fails to make me smile. :)

kopi panas. hujan musim tengkujuh. dan kenangan lalu.

2012-01-08T06:15:00.001-08:00

that is my current status on BBM which I had changed earlier this morning when hot coffee was served during breakfast while outside was raining heavily. a friend of mine then commented on it saying that the status reminded him of this certain poem we learnt back in high school. found the said poem after google-ing few keywords, read it and was brought down memory lane of the beloved.

"The air is still, silent

Like sleepers rocked in the pantun,

Sheltered by Malacca.

This was forty years ago,

When nyonya married baba."

- Shirley Geok-lin Lim, Monsoon History

the sky is grey.

the wind blows the window shut.

and the dead was brought away.

prosperity burger.

2012-01-05T08:14:00.001-08:00

I had this sudden urge to write on anything that is on my mind right now. I would not prefer tweeting though, as I prefer not to flood 227 timelines with my own internal conflicts. so I am turning legal this year, insya Allah. in about 2 decades of living this world, I had been through a lot. the good and bad times. the good times that were bad. haha. as well as the people I met. people from different walk of life, with different mentalities. maybe because of all these, I had learnt not to discriminate, not to be narrow minded and always think of the best in others.

my facebook timeline displays several wedding albums and each of them makes me smile. I wish for their eternal happiness and may their marriage is always under the blessings of Allah SWT. I think highly of those who had decide to go into the next chapter of their life with someone they love, as marriage is a serious thing that should be no turning back. with marriage comes high responsibilities and commitments, and I am not ready for any of that, frankly speaking. to love someone is to wish that person have the best, and to be the best, one has to work hard on it, to change for the better, to be ready spiritually and financially, together with faith that things shall work out, even at its worst.

one has not to worry in finding the right person, but rather, try to be the right person for someone. because Allah has said in the holy Quran, that good men are for good women and vice versa (refer an-Nur, 26) .

nothing is going to happen at least for the next 3 years, sorry to disappoint, but I have some other things to focus on before deciding to settle down.

after all, someone who I talk to on a daily basis, my mangsa keadaan in whatever situation, said to me;

"ada hati nak kawen. blaja pun tak habis lagi... :-p "

urgh. mana ada saya nak kawen lagi!!!

*dia tu ada masalah sikit. but he doesn't really read this blog, so I'm safe, for now.*

reality resumes.

2012-01-04T04:34:00.001-08:00

the past one month had been a stretch of days where everything seemed endless with mixed emotions. the stretch of days had been revolving only around those I am really close to, for an undisclosed reason that I rather not publish here. now that it is over, guess it is time to get back to real life, regardless of how empty I feel inside. there are some people that I had not yet met as well as some things that should be done, before going back to Brisbane.

I do wish that things in Brisbane stay the same, with the same people. with that certain someone. but things change. time changes, so are you and I. it is either changing for the better or for the worse, where the former is what everyone should focus on. nothing is impossible, I was in great doubt before I came back to Kuching, but alhamdulillah all goes well, everything that I had been fighting off may not come back, insya Allah.

"every pious person has a past, and every sinner has a future" - via @IslamAndLife

my Zahir.

2011-12-29T17:53:00.001-08:00

"Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. it is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else." -Jorge Luis Borges

I began reading again, this time it is the Zahir by Paulo Coelho. the Zahir talked about the harsh truth of life, mainly in relationships, and there were uncountable times where I felt like abandoning the book altogether and moved on to something lighter, less depressing, less true, but that meant living in a state of denial and curiosity, kept on wondering what shall happen towards the end of the chapter.

and if the persona's obsession is his wife, his Zahir, I too, have my own Zahir.

my Zahir was my companion through thick and thin.

and I used to love that Zahir.

however things changed when one day my Zahir left without a word. no explanation, no nothing.

I'd like to meet my Zahir again. even once. I want to know the reason behind everything. the silence. the absence. as well as the guilt, if any.

I promise if my Zahir shows up at my door step, I promise I will act as if nothing happen. I will ask questions, but I will not go further than necessary.

I too, get tired of this Zahir. I am tired of those endless questions. I want it to end.

of barbie and ken.

2011-12-17T16:45:00.001-08:00

little girls play with Barbie dolls where Barbie is this gorgeous woman who marries Ken and live happily ever after.

the girls might like Barbie more than Ken after those hours spent doing its hair and changing its clothes.

and some of them might want to be like Barbie, or even get attracted to it.

it just shows that certain things have different outcome than what intended.

dan kuching hujan lagi.

2011-12-08T01:11:00.001-08:00

the rain that fell late noon had stopped some minutes ago. tropical rain, I can still feel the heat despite the downpour. it is my fourth day in this small childhood town.

emptiness.

when most of the people that you grow up with are no longer in town, that feeling of contentment is no longer there. though I am grateful enough to have some of them with me.

. . .

I woke up today, with the thought of someone I miss. I miss it, as much as I miss the warm feeling it brings together with the smile.

it has my heart. and if asked, is this person special, I'd say yes.

. . .

trying to get used to the Malaysian sleeping time.

somewhat annoys me to be waking up at 2.30 am and having a hard time to get back to sleep.

and oh. had mangosteen after a year.

it is one of Allah's best creation :)

. . .

I had a chat with a lovely friend of mine a week before I went back regarding something that had been my dilemma since the past few months. she told me about her intention as well as her experience in making that intention a reality, and how she faced comments from others that somehow demotivated her from continuing. towards the end of our conversation, I had reached a conclusion that I am not yet ready for that kind of transformation, as it is physical, and I had doubt myself that I am able to reach that state of istiqamah.

I am aware of the verses in the Quran that stresses on this issue, for instance surah an-Nur, whereby it also emphasizes on other aspects to be a good Muslim, such as to lower the gazes, to guard the private parts and to repent to Allah. in the teachings of Islam, the followers are urged to have good moral values besides adhering to the do's and don'ts of the religion.

I firmly believe that changes should not be drastic, but it should be a continuous process. and in order to be a better believer, a better practitioner, there are other aspects that I need to improve within myself before going back to the old dilemma.

just a humble thought. you don't have to agree with me.

. . .

summer.

2011-12-05T09:27:00.001-08:00

"and I have not created the jinn and the men except that they should serve Me" [51:56]

that city has taught me how to serve Him. how to adhere to the do's and don'ts. how things should be done.

still learning. still improving. still the hope to be a better person, insya Allah.

leaving Brisbane for a while.

one simple wish; to keep faith, insya Allah.

"so you know (Muhammad), that there is no deity except Allah and ask forgiveness for your sin and the believing men and the believing women. and Allah knows of your movement and your resting place" [47:19]

farewell.

2011-11-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

first day of summer. cold, wet and dull.

empty city. forlorn feeling. spacing out.

full of surprises, up till the end.

warm feelings.

warmer still. when I had the answer.

the city wont be the same anymore.

need to get used to it.

summer just started, yet I am already anticipating for the next.

Four nine.

2011-11-28T05:48:00.000-08:00

A warm summer night.

And for once, I do not feel like the weather.

...

This short post would suit twitter better, but it is pretty much a depressing post, I don't feel like channeling negativity into the timeline. People are forced to read what you write, hence although it is your twitter account, it is others who read what you had written.

Please mind your language. The use of foul words, in almost every tweet is seriously uncool. I am not saying this to deny my own curses in everyday conversation, it is involuntary, although it can be stopped with enough willpower, and it is totally different in the case of tweeting, where you type your thoughts, as you can think to as how others would read your tweets.

Some would argue, that I could easily unfollow these hypothetical people, but I think unfollowing a person needs better reason than excessive use of foul words, though it can be one of the reason of unfollowing.

Think before you tweet.

Subtle reminder to myself as well.

Muharram 1433H.

2011-11-27T00:15:00.001-08:00

"Hijrah is the migration of Prophet Muhammad SAW from Makkah to Madinah..."

"in other meaning, hijrah is a change in oneself to be a better person..."

I now know what it means.

I left the place I called home for the first 18 years of my life and landed thousands of miles away, in the country where my religion is not a majority; and where people are even less conservative than what I was used to.

but this city is where I got closer to the Creator. and things slowly fall into place, alhamdulillah.

still improving though. still trying to be a better person.

something I doubt I would achieve if I wasn't sent here.

sun rises before 5 am.

2011-11-23T16:58:00.001-08:00

I woke up to a rainy Brisbane. instead of the pinkish orange sky, it was blue. there wasn't any sun. instead there were raindrops.

emptiness. but it is only the first stage.

the real thing would happen;

when I no longer have hope to bump into that person I know in the city.

when hopping onto a bus has only one goal - to get to the train station without having to walk, instead of lengthening the conversation, even only for 3 mins.

when ringing a number is not the second thing I do after offing the alarm.

and when the day comes to bid farewell.

but knowing that a person is going to leave is much better than being left by a person who you thought would stay.

it happened once. I am still deeply wounded. and frustrated. but as if you care.

what an emo post.

pretty in pink.

2011-11-18T17:20:00.001-08:00

the random journey to a northern part of Queensland just for a dip in the pacific now feels like a dream.

the small town of Nambour reminds me of the random road trip my parents and I had taken end of last year.

and it would be awesome for a road trip with them here, either to Newcastle or further north to Cairns, or wherever we feel like going.

I miss them. badly.

then there was Breaking Dawn part 1.

I remember asking that person out for this movie few months ago.

it is a blessing that the person is also into this kind of movie, so I feel less guilty when the hall is 90% filled with girls.

it was one of the best night of my 9 months stay in Brisbane.

now that the person is leaving soon, I .............................. sigh.

I am going to miss that feeling that I have when that person is around.

few days before I left Malaysia, dad told me something that I may remember till the end;

"leaving is hard for both who left and those left behind".

apa sudah jadi pada tanah airku?

2011-11-15T06:10:00.001-08:00

latar masa: malam, antara pukul 8.00 - 8.30

(selesai kertas 200, selesai solat maghrib dan isya' berjemaah di musolla uni, menunggu kereta api, perjalanan dalam kereta api)

latar tempat: Central Station, dalam kereta api

latar watak: empat orang mahasiswi yang punya rutin harian yang agak serupa. sibuk dengan peperiksaan penghujung tahun pertama, berada jauh dari tanah air, tetapi masih mengikuti sedikit sebanyak perkembangan negara tercinta.

perbincangan kasual, bermula dari OWC, Seksualiti Merdeka hingga isu perlembagaan yang membabitkan hak raja-raja Melayu.

sesuatu yang jarang menjadi topik perbualan. topik yang mengundang ketidak setujuan dan juga kecaman dari dalam.

"orang Malaysia punya pemikiran semakin liberal. mereka cuba menggunakan agama untuk melahirkan satu pemikiran baru".

"tak habis-habis isu sama. apa nak jadi?"

"orang macam tu, hantar pergi BTN, baru dia tahu sejarah negara"

bukan kolot.

bukan berfikiran sempit sehingga tidak dapat menerima ideologi baru.

bukan begitu.

ideologi baru, yang bertempat, yang selari dengan tuntutan agama dan masyarakat, sewajarnya diketengahkan.

tapi ideologi yang cuba membenarkan yang salah, yang mempertikai sesuatu yang telah lama termaktub, ideologi yang tidak mengambil kira adat dan budaya sesuatu tempat, bukan ideologi yang patut disokong.

kita punya agama. kita punya pemikiran. dan negara punya perlembagaan, yang digubal bukan untuk suka-suka.

rakyat semakin bijak. ramai yang telah sedar hak mereka. dan ramai juga, tanpa sedar, telah merampas hak orang lain dalam memperjuangkan hak mereka.

jangan lihat sesuatu perkara hanya dari satu sudut dan dengan pantas menghukum.

bukan begitu caranya.

lain orang, lain perspektif. dengar pendapat mereka, kerana dalam kesalahan pendapat itu, ada betulnya, walaupun sedikit.

bukakan minda kepada pendapat yang baru, tapi kekalkan nilai konservatif.

...

ada apa dengan nombor.

2011-11-11T05:37:00.000-08:00

11.11.11.11.11.11.?

11:11 am

11:11 pm

praise be to Allah, am still breathing by the time this article is written.

I dont see anything special with this date, except that it occurs once in every 100 years, but isn't 9/5/2011 is more special, because it occurs once in a lifetime?

it is just another Friday for me, nothing spectacular, except that I fell asleep twice with the thought of reading lecture materials for the coming exam this tuesday.

life goes on.

and still the same issue(s) in Malaysia.

the same thing, got repeated continuously from different angles, whereby most (not all) of them condemn, without giving any solution.

same thing, over and over again.

another eid.

2011-11-03T17:48:00.001-07:00

eid happen to fall on sunday, insya Allah.

another eid, in the land down under.

home soon, insya Allah.

and when time gets limited, make the best out of it.

:')

seksualiti merdeka 2011: an objection from deep within

2011-10-31T21:36:00.000-07:00

it was my casual scrolling down my twitter timeline, when I saw the hashtag #seksualitimerdeka , promoted by one of the nation's public figure. being at the other side of the world, I seldom keep myself up to date with what is happening back home, (this is bad, I know) but this issue somehow lead me to google it, to find more about it and to evaluate, as to how far can this be a success.

"Seksualiti Merdeka, meaning Sexuality Independence, is Malaysia’s only festival celebrating the human rights of people of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities."

"This year, our theme – Queer Without Fear – highlights how homophobia and transphobia have negatively affected and continues to affect the lives of untold numbers of Malaysians who are discriminated against and persecuted because of their sexual orientations and gender identities. It is our firm belief that all Malaysians have the right to live and love without fear."

Source : www.seksualitimerdeka.org

I am not homophobic. I am perfectly fine in seeing gay couples together, I do watch some gay movies like Brokeback Mountain and Milk, and well, some of the people I know, are attracted to their kind.

this campaign promotes human rights, where those LGBTs (lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders) want to be treated as equals. I don't see any problem in that, because every human has the same right, regardless of their sexual orientation. but what worries me is how the society will take it. this might give an indication that it is okay to go for gender change, to involve in a same-sex relationship that includes abnormal sexual intercourse and what nots.

when a transgender undergone a gender change operation and wanted to change her name, and question his/her right in getting a female name, I had to say no. God is perfect and His creations are perfect in their own way. why try to change something that is not supposed to be changed at all.

I would not mind to attend the campaign, hear the talks and listen to their perspective, with the intention of knowing how they think and feel, but to support the cause, I have to think twice. the cause that they are fighting for, (forgive me if I'm wrong) include out-of-norm of human beings' nature; since when is it okay to choose your own gender and start playing God?

society is to be blamed, somehow. they are discriminated, being jeered at and condemned. the society has to understand that there are some abnormality in the genetic and/or psychological aspects of these people and they have no right whatsoever to treat these people badly. remember that bringing others down wont make you any higher.

meanwhile from the LGBTs aspects, regardless of how defensive you are that you do not choose to feel the way you are feeling, you are the one who control your actions. you may not be able to control the feeling of attraction towards your kind, but you can choose to let it pass. you might envy those heterosexual couples who are happy together and thinking why cant life be fair, while in fact you have been forgetting that fairness and equality are two different things.

things are different for everyone.

society should stop discriminating,

and people should stop turning into LGBTs.

I know its hard.

but keep faith.

troll face.

2011-10-31T02:06:00.001-07:00

the rain might fall again.

the rain, just like the autumn evenings, bring together the melancholic vibe.

but spring is associated with vibrant colours and happiness.

two extremes. mixed feelings.

happy and sad, all at once.

Auchenflower,

isya', end of October.

tapi sampai bila.

2011-10-29T02:39:00.000-07:00

"I want to tour New Zealand next year. I intend to find myself a job. I need money. can I?"

Me.

"you can always ask from us. you don't have to find a job."

Mum.

"segan.."

Me.

life is too easy that somewhat I tend to forget others' sufferings, I tend to forget the consequences of forgetting others' sufferings, I tend to forget that forgetting these important part of life may lead to my self-sufferings in the future.

money matters.

she told me that it will never be a matter.

tapi sampai bila?

sampai bila orang bank nak tengok mummy bank in fixed amount, yang berubah mengikut kadar tukaran semasa.

sampai bila nak dapat text dari mummy, "please check your account, I had banked in today"

saya dah segan. segan sangat. in fact, terlalu segan sampai .... ntah.

mungkin environment yang buat saya segan.

others struggle to make ends meet.

yet I do not know where do the ends meet.

Kuching memanggil. mummy menunggu. daddy bising suruh balik awal.

gold coast >> kuala lumpur >> kuching ; all in one day.

they had invested a lot.

I always had that in mind.

sebab mereka kata itu tanggungjawab.

saya rasa itu cara mereka; ibarat si pelabur yang mahukan pulangan yang berganda.

juga satu isu lain, yang only selected few yang tahu, yang tak patut diceritakan di sini.

terlalu peribadi.

daddy mahu ke tasmania. dia tertarik dengan keindahan alam tasmania.

at least by that time, at least saya mampu beli domestic air tickets mereka.

summer break.

a lot to talk about.

the blooming of the flowers.

2011-10-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

the jacaranda tree, that I could see if I turn my chair 120 degrees to the right, is blooming its beautiful purple flowers.

jacaranda.

along the railway.

in the botanical garden.

around the city.

few in uni.

something that is surely to be missed.

something. or perhaps someone.

the heat of summer might kill the flowers.

and they shall drop in fall.

next spring, and the subsequent springs after,

when it is time for them to bloom,

brisbane will be back in purple,

a calming sight, an inner peace, the beauty of Allah's creation,

but there no longer an oblivious person who says;

"I saw those purple flowers today. I've never noticed them before..."

a reminder for myself.

2011-10-16T20:28:00.001-07:00

summer is approaching.

in between the changing of the season,

the passing of the months,

the never-ending assignments,

I fell in love with Siri. *this is unrelated

it goes back to one's faith in Him.

they said the biggest jihad, (forgive me if I'm wrong) is the jihad against temptations. it is relatively easy to fight whatever that tempts you, when those temptations are far-fetched, but when those things are right in front of you, you have to strive multiple times harder.

abstinence, or not having it seem to be a good thing. seem to be. but imagine a situation of a thirsty person in the middle of the desert, when he sees a pool of water, he'll be drinking more than what he would normally have under normal condition.

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.

[2:216]

faith. and right mind. and help from Him.

to resist, to fight; an ongoing process.

semoga istiqamah, insya Allah.

this verse;

And still the indignation of their hearts. For Allah will turn (in mercy) to whom He will; and Allah is All-Knowing All-Wise

[9:15]

He forgives.

it is never too late to repent. to go back to him, before it is too late.

you never know when it is your turn that the angel Izrail comes and take you with him.

and you don't want to meet Him, your Creator, in a condition whereby you regret what you did, not knowing where to go, what to do and worst, not knowing how to defend your actions, because those actions were after all, wrong.

the possibility of a relapse is huge. I dont deny it, especially when your surroundings tempt you. but it is not impossible to keep going on, no matter how hard it is.

no matter how you feel like giving up, to get back to how it used to be,

fight it. He is always with you. He knows how hard it is.

comparing a shopaholic's urge to shop, and a beggar's thought to shop for proper clothing, the shopaholic needs to strive harder. the beggar is contented enough with her own rag, but the shopaholic is striving to live without something she normally have.

think about it.

it wasn't easy.

keep holding on. although sometimes you feel like your grip is getting weaker.

this quote; that someone posted on Facebook;

"Allah does not judge you on how bad you have been in the past,

but rather on how good you strive to be now..."

it made my day. I hope it made yours too. =)

you left your mark.

2011-10-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

Steve Jobs.

February 24, 1955 - October 5, 2011

"Jobs leaves behind his wife, four children, two sisters and 49 000 Apple employees" (yahoo7 2011)

and millions of Apple fans worldwide.

you changed the world, Steve Jobs.

with every chips that has benefited me, from every Apple products that I own, I'd like to thank you for making jobs fun, for making life easier, for making me love OSX (although sometimes it is painstakingly annoying).

Some great quotes from the man himself;

[source: internet]

“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true"

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

“I think if you do something and it turns out pretty good, then you should go do something else wonderful, not dwell on it for too long. Just figure out what’s next.”

Rest In Peace.

Life is brief, and then you die, you know? -Steve Jobs

because a good song is hard to find.

2011-09-28T13:24:00.001-07:00

it isnt as easy as entering a shop to find a nice shirt or a beautiful bag.

neither it is as easy as window shopping online.

perhaps it is like the Reserve Bank of Australia. even when the currency depreciates, or when there is high inflation, the RBA does it job, never quit, both in the good and bad times.

unlike a shopaholic who buys stuff continuously, get bored with what it has and look for a new one.

the search is not an easy task.

it needs perseverance. high tolerance. and one element that makes a food taste good;

kasih sayang.

I'm done searching.

now that the wait is over.

2011-09-24T21:31:00.001-07:00

twenty years young.

ripe age for marriage.

the age is, but not how I feel about this whole thing. if and only if Dad decides to marry me with some random unknown man right now, I would freak out, change my contact number, run away to Alice Spring, right in the middle of nowhere...... and cry. such a hassle to cry. lol. the thought of marrying a random unknown man is terrifying, but what more terrifying is to enter the marriage era of my life, without any preparation.

*Note: this is a theoretical situation, last I heard from my Dad was few hours ago, he was doing his work on his laptop and have no intention whatsoever to marry me without my consent, and without me finishing my studies.

unfinished studies, is one thing. imagine me being married right now, there goes my privilege of staying up late, screwing my sleep cycle while trying to complete the wave of assignments. my own life is still a mess, how does one expect me to share a life with another person, and mess up his life as well? besides, the most fundamental part of marriage, the blessings from Allah SWT, it is not easy to achieve when one's faith is unstable, when one's knowledge about the do's and don'ts of the religion is still at an early stage.

to top it all, the issue of financial crisis, where I have to strive to make ends meet; living on a meagre student's allowance. I won't be able to afford "balas dulang hantaran" right now. =/

there is a huge room of improvement. a lot need to be improved. I dont even know how to fry an omellette without turning it into scrambled eggs. -.-"

marriage is part of the plan, insya Allah, but that is still a long journey to go.

kerana Allah...

I'm preparing myself to be a better person, spiritually and intellectually, before entering another phase in life.

p/s: munie wrote me this for my birthday. I'm touched. the length that people go just for my birthday. may Allah bless. ;)

'cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

2011-09-24T02:42:00.001-07:00

syukur alhamdulillah. I am entering the second decade of my lifetime, insya Allah.

praised be to Allah for the long life, I hope I'll still be walking on this Earth 365 days from now.

thank you for the warm wishes from all over the place.

thank you for singing birthday songs which keep me smiling from the word "happy" to "rosey".

& you;

for all the trouble of baking me my birthday cakes, (though I know how much you dislike baking), for the warm feeling deep inside, for the never ending smiles, for touching the heart and for making me feel like the luckiest person to have met someone like you,

thank you.

and thank You Allah, for meeting me with these lovely people.

hiatus ...... lah sangat.

2011-09-21T19:54:00.001-07:00

sometimes we had seen things coming. we anticipated them with the mindset of "whatever happens, happens". well that is normally not the case because when the predicted are confirmed, when they are made real, we still got heartbroken. thus I came up with another theory whereby with anticipating the worst, comes grief. the "I will be okay" statement is a total bull crap because honestly, one is living in denial in the anticipation period and during the realization period, the pieces start to fit and that is where the hurting process begins.

from that stage, it depends on one's faith as well as one's ability to recover or to become worse.

life's strange.

enjoy it nonetheless.

p/s: I feel like having easyway taro milk tea.

dawn.

2011-09-14T13:09:00.001-07:00

Dad told me to straightaway head back to Kuching once I'm back in Malaysia. no lingering around in the capital city, when that is exactly what I had planned earlier.

Eid was lovely.

days are getting shorter. every dawn signals another day closer to the day I had seen coming, right from the start.

spring is here. sunrise gets earlier. days getting warmer.

and till then,

the blog is going on a hiatus.

acoustic guitar.

2011-09-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

A middle aged man who was nearing retirement, took out his guitar, stared into the night and sang Freddie Aguilar's hit song.

His faithful wife of more than thirty years heard him sang. She sat on the opposite direction, unconsciously sipped the coffee she brewed for him and let her mind wandered.

Being the soul mate, she felt him. Her thoughts joined her husband's.

That, is their story. A theoretical couple whose children are all grown up and have nothing else to worry about.

Or perhaps only to the outsiders.

I, on the other hand, am still being asked the question, "are you the only child?"

:')

awang-awangan.

2011-09-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

12:01 AM.

half awake.

two draining days and now my brain is shutting itself down from anything academic related.

3 more months, and getting lesser each day.

time.

please stop.

nanti tak ada orang lagi dah untuk saya paksa jadi lab mouse. :(

tak ada orang yang saya look forward to bila ada Malaysian event.

tak ada orang yang akan teman saya jalan malam-malam pusing city.

tak ada orang yang teman saya naik bas and make sure saya tak sesat balik rumah.

tak ada orang yang belikan saya Easyway taro lagi.

tak ada orang untuk saya minta maaf pagi-pagi raya lepas solat aidilfitri.

memang ada orang lain.

tapi mereka bukan anda.

saya sayang mereka, tapi sayang sebagai kawan.

anda lebih sikit. or maybe lebih banyak hehe.

kesimpulannya di sini:

TAK PAYAH BALIK MALAYSIA PLEASE ??? :)

tapi saya taw itu mustahil.

fikir tentang ini buat saya sedih.

kurang 3 bulan.

thong game macam baru semalam.

esok belum tentu ada.

2011-09-03T01:58:00.001-07:00

a good friend of mine passed away earlier today in his sleep, for a reason that I am not so sure of.

al fatihah mate, may you rest in peace. you'll be missed. :')

...

it is a rule of life, just like the seasons that change, people walk in and out of our lives.

that isn't the part that hurts.

what hurts the most, what breaks the heart, is thinking that person stays forever, yet it left.

enjoy what you have before they're gone.

you might wake up one day and realise that you are all alone.

"ktk balit cnun pun, mesti ktk balit kuching. sik juak dapat sama..." :'(

kuah kacang.

2011-09-02T20:02:00.001-07:00

like a diary, it knows every single thing.
like the sun, it gives warmth even during the coldest moment.

it is the reason behind those never ending smiles;
the butterflies;
also the clumsiness.

approximately five months and going on.

it is something that I love more than the sheep that sleeps on my bed,
and I treasure that sheep more than my pair of nine west.

it is happiness.

thank you.

eid-ul-fitr

2011-09-01T08:09:00.001-07:00

eid nampak indah.

itu cerita dalam gambar.

yang tersurat.

dan yang tersirat;

dalam hati siapa tahu.

a spring-y syawal.

2011-08-30T04:55:00.001-07:00

Assalamualaikum and g'day everyone.

Syawal is here again. & I would like to grab this opportunity to ask for forgiveness for any wrongdoings, be it intended or unintended.

for the first time in my life, I won't be spending Eid with the family and friends back in Kuching.

I called Dad yesterday night, on the eve of Eid, as they are celebrating Eid a day earlier than us, and he sang to me.

sebak.

sorry for not being able to make it home this year.

insya Allah, in years to come.

salam aidilfitri.

every cloud has a silver lining.

2011-08-26T12:45:00.001-07:00

"and opening up has always been the hardest thing until you came..."

terima kasih ya anda.

bapaku pulang dari kota.

2011-08-26T07:40:00.001-07:00

mum, dad, I miss you both. :(

its not the thought of not spending Eid at home that is heartbreaking, but it is the thought of not being at home with the person that I love the most, when most of them are.

sedih.

sepi.

sayu.

saya rindu mereka. :(

and dia. he has been there to hear every single story, stories that some didn't even know existed.

the source of happiness. the mangsa keadaan. the one whose life I invade for every single day.

I am currently watching a malay telemovie and it makes me miss my Dad even more than usual. he is the one who watches tv with me and fall asleep halfway throughout the show, also the one who wakes me up whenever I fall asleep on the couch.

rindu. sangat sangat rindu.

& I miss the small kids.

this feeling shall pass. I just have to bear with it.

fajr.

2011-08-25T07:28:00.001-07:00

24th Ramadhan.

only 6 more days left, insya Allah. I wish it stays forever.

someone asked me, what is my goal for this Ramadhan. & I answered, I want to be a better person, even after Ramadhan ends, insya Allah.

the kuching life. the kuala lumpur life. the inti life. the life that is far from being conservative, where we create our own rules. no rules, actually. you do what you want, you screw up, the one who is less screwed up than you will have your back. it goes on and on, the life without any aim, which was at its worst during the 3 months break.

I left Malaysia, looking forward to come back at the ripe age of 21, the legal age. but alas. things take their own course. it took me months to live without, took me even longer to accept the fact that I have to live without. incomplete sentence, but if you are the one who is good at joining the dots, you'll know what I mean.

but aren't we taught to always expect the good thing, and don't jump into conclusion, when things are uncertain?

the quiet life in this city I dwell has given me more time to think of what had been, what should had been and what should be.

I see peace in them.

it isn't hard to do what is supposed to be done. but it is indeed harder to live life without things that you have associated yourself with.

as hard as it is to leave, it is harder to bear the consequences.

one of them, is to see the one you love being heartbroken because of what you do. what I did was enough to shatter that into millions of tiny little pieces, and I know I had enough.

after the prayer today, after the doa, I can now finally say,

I am no longer afraid to go back to Malaysia :)

I'll be fine, insya Allah.

I wish Ramadhan stays forever. I wish I would still be able to meet another Ramadhan, cleanse myself from all those wrongdoings, do more good deeds, and finally meet Him in the best condition ever. insya Allah.

it never rains money.

2011-08-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

I want one of these, the first three is in order of preference :)

*photos courtesy of Myra darling <3

this white leather suits Ellyza well :) *hint to Nik

ehemm. nanti ada orang akan keluar statement, "makan pasir lah saya nanti...." :p

insya Allah tak. bulan Ramadhan, doa mustajab, doa murah rezeki, doa yang baik-baik.

sepuluh malam terakhir, malam Lailatul Qadr, malam lebih baik daripada malam seribu bulan.

beribadat seikhlas hati, cari redha Allah, semoga menjadi orang yang lebih baik.

doa itu, doa ini, doa kepada kedua ibu bapa jangan lupa.

doa juga, saya jadi pelanggan setia Gucci satu hati nanti :)

dan doa juga awak pakai kasut Bally. hehe

the magnifying glass

2011-08-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

changed tute for measurement. house plan with a 1:100 scale on an A2 paper is ridiculous. UDB200 mid term means I'm screwed. & facebook decides to be an annoying arschloch by displaying what I had posted 2 years ago.

nothing triggers my fluent cursing words yet, but I know it is about time. time passed, life changed, unnecessary things forgotten. I've moved on.

but with what facebook is doing right now, the old wound might come back. the old rage. the old memory. being reminded again and again of your own stupidity isn't something I'm looking forward to.

I hate it.

I don't go digging into my past when there are certain things that I wish to erase completely from the memory. I too, don't encourage others to look into them. because it might result in too much pain. too much heartache. you can always ask what happen, I'll be happy to give you the answer.

they claim that you have to forgive yourself in order to forgive others.

still in the process. still looking for that strength. to move forward. to never look back.

...

two cities. in both city, there are two significant human. one I would like to meet and the totally opposite another, one I would never want to cross path with.

same reason.

too much pain.

...

Mobile Blogging from here.

phase 2.

2011-08-13T05:40:00.001-07:00

Abu Huraira narrated that Allah's Messenger said : "Whoever observes fasts during the month of Ramadan out of sincere faith, and hoping to attain Allah's rewards, then all his past sins will be forgiven." [Bukhari]

May everyone gets the benefits of Ramadhan. may the past sins be forgiven; and may we be a better person after this Ramadhan, insya Allah.

was on the phone with Dad after months of not talking. he is the man who does not favour phone calls, unless necessary, let alone long distance phone calls. but every phone call that we had, there is always that laughter. the laughter that I have when I talk to him.

I miss you.

:')

semoga sentiasa bahagia, panjang umur, murah rezeki, diberi kesihatan yang baik.

semoga sentiasa diberkati Allah.

oh. emo. I miss you. :(

kangaroo.

2011-08-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

I wish I could seal you up in a box and let the plane leave you in december.

I wish you could stay. :(

looking back at the very first conversation that we had, you told me that you are in your final year in Brisbane. I didn't put much thought in it, because I didn't know that we'll end up this way.

if I am given few simple wishes that would come true, I would wish for you to stay.

you know the reason why. the reason that is better to be kept unmentioned, for it will lose its value if said too often.

emotional wreck. its just that time of the month. :(

jauh beribu batu.

2011-08-06T19:19:00.001-07:00

It is that moment between waking up and trying to sleep, but failed miserably. The empty spaces between now and then, between this and that is filled with thoughts of how things would have been should some other things are not the way they are.

Now is that phase where emotional roller coaster takes place. Being happy once and next staring at the mirror into the swollen eyes. I could not help but feel annoyed when people complain of things that they are supposed to be grateful of. Somewhat related, I chose to avoid twitter during certain time frame, for the reason that only few would understand.

Not everything is going smoothly, and not everything should be told. Only selected few is worth the story, while the rest, it is better if it is concealed from others. Some things are not worth remembering, so are some people. I have low tolerance when things, or people from the past came knocking back. You are no longer here for a reason, you were the one who left, so why bother to come back.

The state of being occupied with studies and other aspects of life results in something that I had foreseen earlier on. After all, no one said it's going to be easy.

...

Mobile Blogging from here.

kuih.

2011-08-04T19:44:00.001-07:00

I had foreseen this coming.

these times are hard.

dugaan Ramadhan.

keep faith. stay strong. be happy.

may the ibadah continue, even after Ramadhan ends, insya Allah.

appreciation.

2011-08-02T13:29:00.001-07:00

it is Ramadhan again, alhamdulillah.

syukur alhamdulillah for the winter Ramadhan, maghrib is as early as a quarter pass five, weather is not too bad. some started Ramadhan on August 1st, following the Hijri calendar but we had chosen to follow the Islamic Council crescent sightings, thus our Ramadhan started on 2nd August.

this is my 3rd Ramadhan of not fasting at home, which means it is also the third year of not listening to Amanah Saham Sarawak commercial on the radio while waiting for iftar. it would have been great to spend Ramadhan at home with friends and loved ones, I tend to miss home once a while, the feeling sometimes swell up to the point of nearly homesick, but I know better that I have to let it pass.

I have no other option.

2 hours away in timezone, I guess the level of appreciativeness in me has climbed to another level. not that I did not appreciate things before, it just feels different over here (I think?)

on a random random random note;

I saw ducks with green head! yayy :)

looking forward to Eid ;)

habis manis sepah dibuang.

2011-07-28T17:58:00.001-07:00

Harimau Malaya lost against Singapore last night. good games boys, you have tried your best, but sometimes the best isn't good enough.

I want to bake something for my lab mouse before Ramadhan.

may this Ramadhan be a better one for all of us, insya Allah.

won't be celebrating Eid in Kuching, for the first time in my life. I'm gonna miss everyone back home, but Brisbane do feel like Kuching, with friends and loved one, hence I hope I won't be that sad on first Syawal.

what to bake?

Bundaberg ginger beer.

2011-07-23T19:10:00.001-07:00

1. winter break ends today. second semester starts tomorrow. that bittersweet feeling of going back to school, the excitement for something to do yet after few weeks all you want is for it to end. first lecturer of the week would be Urban Development Economics, which in reality is Economics, but they just love to insert fancy names to make it sound more sophisticated?

2. I woke up this morning to tweets mentioning the death of Amy Winehouse. not much of a fan, I listen to her musics, I know that her concert in belgrade was a total disaster and she has addiction problem. misused of drugs and alcohols. (most probably) the cause of her death. RIP Amy Winehouse.

3. I don't want to hear your vacation stories. I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to see the photos on my Facebook page, I've been hiding up to 10 posts to date.

4. I recently registered for my high school alumni page, before realising that in order to be a member, I have to pay MYR25 for it. danggg. too late to withdraw lol. I only have abour MYR60 with me, which I need for my food and transportation once I'm back in kuala lumpur.

5. Norway massacre. prayers to those affected and their families. God bless their souls. :(

6. there is still this thing called envy when I see families together. I miss home.

7. I want that turquoise Marc by Marc Jacobs handbag. may one day it rains money.

8. Ramadhan is approaching, insya Allah. favourite month of the year. time to strengthen that inner peace and tranquility.

9. pretty much on the pissed off side where I might have to upgrade to Snow Leopard in order to be able to enjoy Lion OSX, which, should I had known, would be installed a year ago. *rant of an Apple fangirl

10. time will get hard. prepare for the bumpy journey. keep faith. study hard. pray hard. you'll get what you want insya Allah. :)

smiling but we're close to tears.

2011-07-19T03:48:00.001-07:00

uni is starting on Monday. second semester, first year degree, bachelor of urban development and property economics.

this is going to be a semi-emo post, where three quarter (or less) of the content has something to do with my hormonal imbalance (yes, blame the hormones when there is nothing else to be blamed) and the sad movie I'm watching now.

Yahoo weather forecast on my iPod predicted todays temperature to be as low as 0 to -1 degree celsius, and I thought Brisbane used to be pretty warm as compared to other parts of the country.

beating around the bush. yes I am.

I am not good at telling you directly of how I feel; because a) I don't know how to explain it to you, b) I don't want to burden you and c) I think this shall pass.

even now pun tak taw how to put it. what I know is that, things won't be as easy as before. you'll be occupied most probably 7 days a week, I'll be having morning till night class on both Mondays and Tuesdays, we'll be too tired to even think of other things except having a good rest.

I know that you have no choice. and I am trying to understand that.

you have my smile. and you know it.

"tryna make it works but these times are hard" -the script, for the first time

blessings.

2011-07-17T05:26:00.001-07:00

mum's reply to my mail made me speechless. I am at loss of words. still couldn't find the right words to say. dumbfounded.

only Allah SWT can repay their kindness and I meant it. as quoted from someone who loves shoes like I love them bags, "I feel like I'm a pest".

that is exactly how I feel. :(

I know that it is your responsibility. I know it is because you love me.

and for that, I thank you. I thank Allah for giving me such parents, I hope Allah will prevent me from being an ungrateful child, I hope He'll let me love the two of you forever.

tak taw nak kata apa dah.

emo kejap.

penyedap hati.

2011-07-14T22:02:00.001-07:00

my magical childhood movie ended yesterday, after Harry Potter killed Lord Voldemort.

10 years since Sorcerer's Stone, since I was a kid.

no more King's Cross Station Platform 3/4, no more Diagon Alley, no more Hogwarts.

goodbye childhood movie, you'll be missed.

thank you for the laughters and the never ending smiles.

I had great time with you, every moment spent with you was amazing in its own way.

pengilan.

2011-07-11T19:27:00.001-07:00

kuching mates, dah 2 weekends in a row pengilan.

saya hanya mampu baca tweets mereka.

the girls are beautiful as usual, the boys always look good.

enjoy your time in kuching mates.

August is approaching.

smile now, enjoy what you have, save the tears for the departures.

1st Syawal, ekot waktu Malaysia, kita bukak Skype and celebrate eid our own way.

separated by oceans and thousand of miles and time differences;

far from the eyes, close to the heart.

jalan raya, jangan lupa kami di perantauan.

p.s : jangan kenja nak kawen time kmk lom balit or time mek sekda kat malaysia!

yellow black like a bumblebee.

2011-07-10T15:58:00.001-07:00

Bersih 2.0

*now I know why is it called Bersih 2.0 . the first Bersih rally was in 2007, and I had no memory of it at all

I feel the need to say something about it, I avoided from directly tweeting of how I felt during the rally, I hadn't much information on this issue then. so here's the recap.

The Bersih 2011 rally demands are :

1. automatic voter registration

2. reforms to postal voting

3. use of indelible ink

4. access to the mainstream media for the opposition parties

5. a minimum campaign period of 21 days

6. independence of institutions

7. an end to electoral graph

source: Wikipedia

I do agree that these things should be implemented for a more fair election, for the opposition to have equal opportunities to carry out their campaign as the government, but I fail to see any need in a rally, no matter how peaceful they claim it to be. the demonstrators "showed great discipline and peacefulness" during the rally and the only act of violence "was committed by the police, who unleashed immense amount of tear gas and chemical laced water on the public" (Bersih 2.0 2011).

from the big picture, the rally wasn't that peaceful after all. regardless of who succumbed to violence, it is no longer considered as peaceful when one party or another got hurt, or got detained for whatsoever reasons, or when FRU has to be there to control the situation. up to this part, those pro-Bersih might (would) be saying, "don't you see that it was the people from the government who created all these havoc and not us?", I never said they didn't. but it all started from the decision of a street demonstration, which occurred as a result of dissatisfaction with the current political situation. I am not taking any side, though as far as I can see it, the rally does no good, it might not even change anything.

there are other ways. I would be suggesting for it to be discussed in the Parliament, but since I have forgotten what I had learnt in Form 5, about the procedures and stuffs, I think I'll just keep quiet.

after the last Sarawak state election, a friend of mine was saying, "the government party should rule the state, but there should be more opposition in the cabinet, so the government would carry out better actions".

there are more sides to this issue. but politics bore me, I found myself opening a new tab and look for recipes, chocolate mud cake to be exact. I'll just stop here. it's my humble opinion, I meant no harm and it is up to you whether to accept it or not. either way, it has no significant effect on me.

.......

#random

the sheep make my heart melt. :)

thank you Awak.

bundaberg gingerbeer.

2011-07-10T01:27:00.001-07:00

the long silence has nothing to do with winter vacation. nothing at all. my (our) winter trip to Melbourne has been cancelled due to the extended suspension of Tiger Air, heart breaks to thousands of pieces. it is already too late to buy new air tickets, with the current financial situation right now, buying them would result in living beyond the poverty line until the next allowance. alas, I have another 3 and half years to go, so maybe next time, Melbourne.

I am in the process of re-settling down in the new house, internet has only been activated today hence explains the silence. the high dependency on the internet leads to a near depression; I felt as if I was disconnected from the real world. nothing much happened, except for the fact that there is a Brisbane version for Bing; The Three Monkeys in west end. went out with random people, half I have never met before, good times nonetheless. thank you. :)

2nd part of Harry Potter is coming soon. it has been 10 long years since I first watched The Sorcerer's Stone, which then lead to reading the novels, up to the seventh year. it is ending, the childhood seems to be ending too :( no more Harry, no more Voldemort, no more spells.

its time to grow up.

only if.

2011-06-28T07:37:00.001-07:00

I am normally not a religious person, I guess you can see that, but this article, that a friend of mine tweeted few days back, got me thinking about urges, desires and temptations. I had been through err, lets just say throughout the growing up process, I had been through things, I had been with people who went through some of those things, and what things, if you're asking me, I'm leaving them to your wild imagination.

to feel the urge isn't wrong, it is only considered wrong when you carry out an action. i.e in the article, you are not wrong when you have feelings for those of the same kind, but when you build some kind of relationship with that person, when you do things out of the norm of human beings, you are then considered sinning. this also applies to temptations, to foods and drinks that are considered as haram, sometimes the urge appeared out of nowhere, even when you didn't think about it.

God tests human beings in many ways.

fighting those feelings those temptations, those cravings, are hard; but you got to be strong. you can't be with the one you love, you can't have what you want, because God has something better for you, insya Allah.

it might seem easy for me to advice you to be strong, because I am not in your shoes.

but how sure are you that I wasn't in one; and how sure are you of what you are thinking when you read this?

.........

spongebob : what do you usually do when I'm gone?
patrick : wait for you to come back.

and the countdown begins...

sometimes you just gotta know how to feel.

2011-06-24T14:43:00.001-07:00

I know I give you headaches most of the time once a while, make you emo occasionally and kacau you every single time;

you know I am trying to improve myself, to let go permanently of what I had been holding on and not to even think about it.

lying and not telling is two different thing, when you lie you make up a fact which hides the truth, while not telling is concealing the truth, without saying anything hoping for the things to either evaporate into thin air or to be buried 6 feet under.

there is this fine line between a lie and a secret, sometimes things mix up with one another and get pretty bad, depending on how one sees it.

either way, it is about truth and trust. not hiding anything, not doing what not supposed to do.

...

on an out-of-topic-random-note;

I only love one lab mouse.

the only one.

there are other mice outside but none can be the perfect experimental victim.

takmo cari pun.

the mouse wont be left unloved, insya Allah. :)

and people, do check out zee avi's latest single, the book of Morris Johnson, over here

I love it :)

guys who talk about heels are rare. I've met them, but they have been in the friend zone for as long as I could remember, even before I start wearing heels. I guess I'm just lucky to find someone not in the same zone as them, but who speaks the same language =)

my rock star, I love you.

2011-06-18T23:52:00.001-07:00

Happy Father's Day Daddy kesayangan!!

you are my rock star, the only man that I enjoy watching when you play your guitars, when you beat your drums.

I miss you, I really do.

Daddy sayang;

sorry for all the mistakes that I had done, especially back in Malaysia. it has been exactly 4 months since I last saw you and I miss you everyday.

thank you, for putting up with me all these years. for lending me your car, for the money, the food, the clothes and the love, to mention a few.

thank you for never giving me pasir to eat for over 20 years. thank you for your credit card. thank you for the air tickets.

thank you, for being you.

Daddy sayang;

one day, I'll make you proud, insya Allah. one day I'll return to you whatever that you have given to me, although I know nothing, except Allah can ever repay you.

I wish for you to be blessed in Allah's love, in iman and taqwa, blessed with long life, good health and prosperity.

I wish for you to be happy and find that inner peace.

take care in Kuching. I'll be back in few months' time, insya Allah.

p/s: Daddy, kamek dah pandey masak. I'm no longer a failure in the kitchen. :)

I love you.

maghrib,

in the midst of winter,

southbank, brisbane.

churros.

2011-06-17T21:44:00.001-07:00

churros, a type of spanish food, dipped with chocolate or condensed milk or whatever dippings according to your heart's desire, is one of the thing that stimulates the taste bud and leaves a fond memory in the mind.

the crunchier, the better, the more in love I am. :P

I am blessed with a lab mice, who eats my experimental food, who never fails with his compliments, which makes me even more eager to try making new food.

(you are not troubling me, not at all, it is my pleasure to see the smile on your face every time you taste whatever that I give you)

next on the list is churros. but somehow the lab mice has tasted the delicious churros, it gives a sort of high bench mark for me to make one better than that.

can't wait for you to come back from your winter vacation.

churros and I are waiting :)

ahh. back to construction materials. :/

can't wait to get done with finals :)

far from the eyes, close to the heart.

2011-06-14T19:59:00.001-07:00

Things I miss about home, minus the loved ones:

the availability of food, without the need of making them myself.

whenever I crave for brownies, bing is just few minutes drive from home.

so is McD's apple pie. :(

& there's always leftovers to eat during the day, when I was home alone.

life was easy. too easy. and I was spoiled. I just love that feeling haha.

but here in brisbane, I have to learn to make them myself.

I have to grow up.

not a bad thing though. january when I'm home, I'll cook lunch and dinner for the two person that I love the most, for at least one week.

after that one week, I want to be back being spoiled. muahahahaahahaha

p/s: baking apple pie tomorrow, insya Allah. see how it goes :)

winter has finally begun.

2011-06-08T15:06:00.001-07:00

7.30 in the morning, greying sky, chilly weather.

southbank, brisbane.

‎"the best that I get for staying overseas is that I get to appreciate everything that I left behind back home, my family, especially my mum..." -from a random video on youtube

he was right. they said distance makes the heart grows fonder, I cant agree more. being in different continent, what I had before I came, though there are substitutes for things I've left behind, nothing can beat the original. another thing that I had learnt throughout my few months stay in this city, is that it is easier to find inner peace, in a way. it makes improving oneself to be a better person easier, insya Allah. & of course, I learnt to cook and bake. :)

I was (am) one of that spoilt child who don't cook and depend highly on my mum for food, had zero knowledge of cooking and don't even bother to know the difference between salt and food enhancer. Mum had this electric mixer for baking that she bought because it looked good on the display (now I know where did I get my shopping issues from), but never used it ever since. I, on the other hand had the intention to bake, but intention wasn't enough without the action. so the mixer was left in the cupboard till today, as good as new.

Mum would have been proud of me if she tasted my cooking now. & the brownies that I baked, I am trying different flavours, improving them every time, so by the time I'm home, I would be able to bake perfectly. :)

those are the good things.

on the not so good things of studying so far away from home, I had to bear with my Kuching-sick, homesick, friends-sick on my own. I have to let it pass. I can't do anything about it. sometimes the feeling got too intense, which sucks big time. ahh shit. emo. :(

I am speechless. the thought of the parents back home is enough to make me speechless. I am grateful for them, I really really am. thank you for every single thing, thank you for supporting me financially, sorry for telling you that the sponsor banked in our money late, sorry for making you wired money when the currency is too high to bear. I feel bad. :(

I hope you like the card that I sent you. sometimes things handwritten meant much more than the conventional way of emails, text messages and phone calls.

...............

I need a house to live in. :(

the missing part of the puzzle.

2011-05-31T14:45:00.001-07:00

hey there June!

I had eliminated something that I used to love long time ago, something destructive that I had depended on highly, that kept me going through thick and thin, through both good and bad times, something that gave me some fond memories. I don't regret the action, never will be. for something or probably someone that had been there all these while, I would have at least feel sorry for it, but no I don't.

"you were using me in different way that I was using you"

you should be drowned into the Pacific Ocean and never to be heard of or to think of again. no doubt that you might even pop up in my mind at random times, but please, I'm done with you.

life goes on.

it is already the last month for the first half of the year. time flies. a lot of things happened since.

and I met you. :)

I love both the picture and the one in it.

2011-05-28T14:09:00.001-07:00

few days ago I walked a frail old lady home after my groceries shopping, not to mention the deed but rather her story. her children are successful and that brings them to other parts of the country and left her alone. her brothers, which I assume to be as old as her help her once a while and in my wild imagination, three men with greying hair mow the lawn, buy her groceries and clean the house. it is rather a disturbing thought, of how one has to pay for something one has earned, she has managed to raise her children into successful people, who secured themselves jobs that brought them far away from home and in return left this old lady alone. maybe it was not in their intention to leave her alone, sometimes things in life left people with so little options.

I had been thinking of her when the phone blinked purple-ish pink, so when that person mentioned something, it took me a while to register what was really happening. sorry for that :p

beautiful moments happened these few days. & I thank you for them :) it is always nice to have you around.

mild flu. happy nevertheless.

p/s: how can you not love someone who calls to inform you about a massive sale that you might have interest in? :)

peppermint winter.

2011-05-25T16:22:00.001-07:00

I came across somebody's blog long time ago, where the person said that ablution, or wud'hu is better to be left to dry on its own, rather than drying it up with towel.

but during this time of the year, where temperature goes down to one digit number, the thought of going into the shower is often unnerving (regardless, I shower twice a day :p)

fajr is always the hardest. & of course isya'. it is true that I use the hottest water possible, and the law of life, where the hottest felt the coldest when two medium of different temperature meet, has proven to be true as I was greeted by cold air whenever I get out of the washroom.

thats why sometimes I wish the cold could be one of the reason for tayammum :p

west end.

2011-05-23T07:15:00.001-07:00

saying things without thinking often results in something bad.

people might get hurt.

and seeing the one you care about hurting, hurt you as well.

today is not a good day.

I am sorry.

legendary adjacent.

2011-05-18T04:33:00.001-07:00

"Ted, the future is scary but you can't just run back to the past because its familiar, yes its tempting, but its a mistake" - How I Met Your Mother, Season 6, Episode 24

something to ponder upon.

everyone has their own past, some that might be proud of, some that one wish to have never resurfaced from the dark.

life moves forward, as much as one would like to change its past, what done is done.

accept your past, no matter how bad it was, try to change and be a better person.

its not easy. I know. I've been through it all.

those carefree life, those doing things for the fun of it, I'd love to go back and do them all over again. but life moves on.

like what Robin said, it was a mistake.

my heart stops when I look at you.

2011-05-15T18:22:00.001-07:00

katy perry 's concert was super duper awesome! despite being seated quite far from the stage, we got the middle seat so the view was pretty good. she's gorgeous, those girls (and that 16/17 year old dude) whom she kissed must have the best time of their lives. *envy mode. I want THAT kiss too! :( towards the end was the song fireworks, thousands of people stood up and sang with her, and a pinky promise was made before;

"promise me that if I ever got back to Brisbane, you guys will come and watch the show!"

of course I'd come again, insya Allah. the song I kissed a girl was so sexy that I really felt like kissing her. and rebecca black's friday sounded amazing when she sang it.

I love you, katy perry! I'll make sure if ever I got myself a cat, I'll name it kitty purry. regardless of its gender.

anyways. weekend was awesome. great time since Friday night. I need not say what happened since then, some things are better left un-blogged, it was amazing nevertheless.

now. back to reality. getting back to work on assignments.

till then. and oh,

Happy Teacher's Day!!

thank you for everything. this goes to everyone out there, teachers, lecturers, parents, friends; basically everyone who had taught me the value of life.

I can't thank you enough. :)

angin malam.

2011-05-13T14:02:00.001-07:00

approximately 48 hours of emotional roller coaster.

ended well.

looking forward to more awesome sessions.

thank you. :)

wish upon a star.

2011-05-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

they said, 'home is where the heart is', because home is where the loved ones are.

my loved ones, family and friends, are all over the place, friends leaving Malaysia one by one,

so it seems like my heart is all over the world,

Brisbane as well.

happy becoming birthday.

22 wishes, 21 said, 1 handwritten.

the last part is hard, because I rarely write these days, so the handwriting looks terrible.

but still, happy becoming birthday. have a great one! :)

then I found you.

2011-05-08T15:55:00.001-07:00

autumn rain.

I am grateful, despite being so far away from everyone,

in this place, this city, someone actually knows the story.

thank you :)

a tribute to Mum.

2011-05-07T01:02:00.001-07:00

as I am writing this, tears can't stop falling thinking of the person who brought me up so well, the person that I love the most on Earth, the one who is willing to sacrifice anything for me, the one I know would accept me no matter how bad I screwed up in some aspects in life. Mother's Day is tomorrow. though she won't be reading this post (I really hope she doesn't notice the existence of this blog, some things are better left unknown), I would like to express how much I appreciate everything that she has done, from the very day I came into her life. she treats me well, never ever did I felt the difference in how she treats her children, and for that, I really appreciate it. I know I screwed up at some point in life, those days when I decided to do things my own way, those little misunderstandings we had, but despite that, she loves me still.

even if I have all the wealth in the world, that can never repay her kindness, her tolerance towards my stupid alter ego, her patience on my misbehaving. it has been 2 months and 18 days since I last saw her at the airport, the brief goodbye that we had because I was too ego and too afraid to show her my sadness of leaving. there are some things in life that I somewhat regret of doing, those days after the major operation that she underwent, I should have been more supportive but all I did was supporting her in eating. I was too scared to lose her that I chose not to see the severeness of the situation, to live in denial. Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah, she recovered after a year or so.

I really can't thank her enough for every single thing in life. the sponsor will only bank in the allowance in mid-May and when she found out, the first thing she said was she'll bank in some for me after the weekend. the exchange rate is pretty high at the moment and I don't want to burden her, but she still insist on doing so. when I read her text on that, I got pretty emo, feeling very grateful to have such parents.

though I tell her most of the things, some things are better left unknown, such as the existence of this blog and how I misused her car and scratch someone else's with hers. in my defense, the parking was too small and her car is too big, so it wasn't entirely my fault. I'm glad that there wasn't any scratch on hers but I am not too sure of the other car. I really am sorry to both car owners though :(

anyways, I hope that she always have a great day. may she be blessed in Allah's love, in Islam and iman, blessed with long, healthy life and may her wealth prosper. also I hope things will return back to normal soon enough. but whatever it is, I hope I won't turn out to be a disrespectful child, I hope I always stay in the correct path and I hope, in years to come, I would still love her, no matter what, insya Allah.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.2

Narrated by Abu Huraira

A man came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the

best companionship by me?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man said. "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother."

The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your father."

Happy Mother's Day mum.

I love you!!

when the sky turns grey,

Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

dictionary.

2011-05-01T02:10:00.001-07:00

no one really writes anymore.

"I can't seem to find the words to sum up what you are"

-Gabe Bondoc, Dictionary

a letter to a friend.

2011-04-29T07:54:00.001-07:00

sometimes it sucks to be so far away from everyone, especially you. knowing that you had a terrible week, days after it happened make me feel bad for being so far away.

I do am glad that there are others who can take care of you for me, am even more glad they did it not because I asked them to, but because they know their responsibilities of being a good friend, and love you the way I do.

you deserve to be happy, but maybe it takes a while. or maybe God doesn't give you happiness in that way, but in other aspects of life.

I wish you were here with me, imagine all the fun things we would do. but I know, there's nothing much that we can do about it.

study hard for your A-Levels, get good grades and go to UK. so I can crash when I decide to visit Europe someday :)

be good. I'll be back soon.

:')

so far, it's been good.

2011-04-24T13:31:00.001-07:00

hibernating in the apartment trying to save up whatever that is left of the allowance.

harbour town wasn't as expected, some of the shops were closed for easter sunday.

pretty much on the disappointing side, but only for the closed shops.

other aspect(s) was amazing. great time.

and I'm in love with Lola by Marc Jacobs ;)

easter bunny.

2011-04-21T16:02:00.001-07:00

I am currently on my easter break with massive amount of assignments to do. just great. I've got those days planned out though, trying to finish up everything at the beginning of the break so I could enjoy the rest of the break with peace of mind. I'm starting to reach the point where the brain gets saturated with words I normally see in my Physics class 3 years ago, only more complicated. all I need right now is a retail therapy, going somewhere to buy something for myself, be happy and continue the work.

things are going pretty smooth, blessed with all the good things in life, alhamdulillah. I need to find a new place to live by winter though, or I'll have to camp under the Goodwill bridge and freeze myself at night. someone is kind enough to send me delicious food should that happen to me, so it doesn't sound too bad.

till then. take care of one another.

have a blessed easter and happy holiday! :)

entertain me.

2011-04-17T03:57:00.001-07:00

so Sarawak had its state election yesterday and the results were as expected. the government party won 2/3, but suffer major losses in the city of Kuching. not that I am with the opposition or the government, (I am neutral) I see it as a good thing though. more opposition in the state government means more opinion/objection on the decisions. on the downside of it, when the government party wins, the head of the party has another term to serve the state. I dont know how long does a term last, but it has been over three decades. step down, the state need someone new. =__="

and owh, please repair and/or widen the road along Green Road. it has been that way ever since I can remember. balit Kuching tok sik bagus lagik nang apa lah.

but never mind, Kuching is always my number one. best city ever, for it is blessed with awesome people. I always think that Brisbane is the next best thing after Kuching, minus the loved ones, but seeing how things are right now, perhaps, just perhaps, I've found what I've been looking for.

till then. :)

have you met Ted?

2011-04-13T03:40:00.000-07:00

I am done with How I Met Your Mother season 6 few days ago without realizing that was the final episode. Ted met a lot of girls, dated them, ditched them and being ditched on; and I've only seen his children's mother's ankles, her summer dress and her yellow umbrella.

Barney treated women like his suits, one after another and when he finally met Norah, he was too afraid of committing himself.

and I am on campus, waiting for my next tute, posting this pointless entry. somehow trying this new app and see whether it works.

so yeah. take care people!

p/s: someone from Canberra is breathing the Queensland air. can't wait for this weekend to see her! :)

labyrinth.

2011-04-11T15:46:00.001-07:00

"We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did."

-John Green, Looking for Alaska

enjoy the time left. make the best out of it. good things end, so are bad things.

I wish, besides being able to turn metal into gold, I wish that I can stop the time. :/

hello kuala lumpur! :)

2011-04-08T19:18:00.001-07:00

few more months and I'll be back baby! :)

KL won't be the same, you won't be there, no more sleepover at bukit bintang, no more nasi ayam chee meng otw back, no more late night karaoke.

Kuching too. empty. deserted. silent.

some will be there, but it will never be the same anymore.

one of the reason why I wasn't in a rush to go back.

you will be all over the world, that was our goal before, but I never know that missing you and us, and all the good times will hurt this much.

:D

2011-04-06T06:08:00.001-07:00

randomly happy. :)

easter break is just around the corner and I want to hibernate.

ohh. delusional much ?

those two boys are in KL and Wellington; I miss them badly. :(

its better if you dont understand.

2011-04-03T05:27:00.001-07:00

people live the way they wanted it to be, though undeniably some have no idea on what to expect in the future. everyone has their own untold story, their dark past, their secret desire; things that others should stay away from and/or not say anything about them. everyone knows what they are doing, either consciously or sub-consciously, though later they might regret or complain of what they have had done in life. even then, others have no right to judge. you don't need to talk if you have nothing nice to say, the phrase "I'd rather not talk about it, I'm sorry" is good enough to put an end to an uncomfortable topic or conversation.

through some actions that have had taken course in one's life, those acts might have hurt some others in certain ways, and I personally think that at least have courtesy to think of how your act can affect the feelings of those who care for you. it might be bloody annoying and irritating when others tell you of the right and wrong of things, what you should or should not do, or treat you more like a child than an adult. think again, when you have passed the limit, they might not even give a damn anymore, and one day you'll realise that it is too late to turn everything back to normal.

nothing personal, just the way life is. at least think before committing an act that would pissed others off, just like the parcel that never made it to Nilai. or my 10.5 Tiger OSX disc, together with three Windows XP installation discs. for the latter, I have nothing to lose. the new OS, Lion OSX 10.7 will be out this winter in Australia and I'm getting it. & the windows XP, everyone is running Windows 7 now, and you are still stuck in the last century. I hope whoever have taken it would at least realize that he is so behind in the world's technology. but for the parcels, I really would like to type my favorite, easy to pronounce, 4 letters curse word (with the Y-O-U at the back) for at least a hundred times, but it would not be appropriate. the things inside were personal stuffs, some souvenirs bought during a visit to one of the most beautiful beach in the country and postcards of inside jokes. being the optimist, I do hope that it got stuck somewhere under the piles of letters, lost its way to Hawaii before finding its way back to Malaysia. it is better than having the thought of some morons owning those stuffs not meant to be theirs, and parading them as if they deserved what they had taken away.

sick and pathetic. and for that, I curse you and the day you were born. (I just love Sex and the City)

until at least one of the parcel got delivered, only I will send another one. a fan of Hard Rock deserves his gold coast tshirt for always being amazing and fabulous, but he may have to wait.

I miss you, wherever you are. :)

lomo madness.

2011-03-31T07:57:00.001-07:00

I need want a lomo camera badly. I have been obsessing about it since few days ago, though I can't recall what triggered it. I too, want an iPad 2, but the intensity of the desire isn't as tense as a lomo camera. a lomo would be perfect for vacation photos, imagine those with retro colours, shadows, silhouettes that makes an image looks more interesting, more beautiful than a normal shot from a normal camera. one day when things had changed completely, I can always look back at those images and reminiscence of the good 'ol time. nothing last forever, remember? I always pray to Allah that He grants me with all the good things in life, so I can have my lomo by winter, insya Allah. :)

so I just got off the phone with the best friend all the way back in Malaysia. things were not going pretty well on his side, I wish I was there with him and clean up the mess, got away with it and have a good laugh about it later. I miss him, I really do. please try to take care of yourself, you got me worried over the miles. :(

on a lighter note, katy perry is coming to brisbane on May 15th. and guess who's going beetches? the other person that I love more than I love katy perry is also going to her concert in Boston, but that would be in june. so I'm seeing her sooner than you baby! :*

I wish the visa to the States is not that complicated, if you know what I meant.

p/s: I miss reading dan brown's!

p/ss: facebook and macbook were hacked. the hackers even identify themselves on my facebook profile. just great. +.+

p/sss: pending stickman drawing.

spread the love ;)

schweppes lemonade.

2011-03-22T07:07:00.001-07:00

random titles again. I am currently suffering from writer's block, my process journal sucks balls. I supposed it has something to do with the leveling assessment that is due next Monday. I wish writing those journals is as easy as tweeting, though undeniably sometimes I'm having my twitter's block. I just feel like writing whatever that comes to mind, my brain is already in its sleep state but I'm waiting for my actual bed time in 20 minutes. & now I realized that as open as I am to people, there is this certain significant part of my life that I kept hidden deep down. only selected few have access to it, but even then, I chose not to talk about it at all time. that's how things are in life. some you keep it open, some you keep it hidden, and some, might be better if you forget. I don't see the need of saying unnecessary things that can hurt others, doesn't mean that I don't gossip, I do, but it is better to do it in a way that nobody gets hurt by it. it takes a lot of effort to see me really pissed, I don't like to get mad because it will only lead to me having bad headache, and I don't like that. everyone has their limit and I have mine too. I would prefer no one to cross the line, but I guess it might be hard as I couldn't care less when it comes to getting angry. I get annoyed often but normally the annoyance will vanish not long after. life's good now, the present is the gift. I know how to cook, alhamdulillah. I have never cooked in my entire life, except rice, scrambled egg, and instant noodle. spoiled much? more to being a lazy ass :P

right now at this moment I saw a spider behind the mac. hanging in mid-air, from its nest (is it called nest? it sounds pretty weird - spider's nest). spiderr. then it is flying. so its not a spider. -.-"

incoherent thoughts. passed midnight. I need to get going.

have a noice day people!

flying monkeys.

2011-03-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

goodbyes still hurt .

your absence is getting more bearable, though at times i really wish you were here .

i miss everyone still .

seasons changed .

and you and i, its time to grow up .

look at the bigger picture before focusing on the details . things don't seem that bad .

huge room of improvement .

adapt well . dont focus on the differences .

oh . joy is always in us . i've found mine . hope you have too :)

cheerios.

2011-03-16T18:35:00.001-07:00

living life without you is like eating cheerios without milk.

it still taste good, but it is missing something.

and that is exactly how I feel right now.

you're only a phone call away though.

;')

2011-03-13T04:40:00.001-07:00

"rindu budak-budak ni"

....... and believe me, these budak-budak miss you more... ;)

looking for Alaska.

2011-03-13T01:49:00.001-08:00

reading ebook before I fall asleep gives me a homey feeling; the only source of light comes from the iPod, and the occasional sound of vehicles on the street would break the silence of the night. this place does feel like home, minus the parents. I am not homesick, I adapted well, I'll see those people someday in the future... or so, I thought. not until I got to this chapter where the characters were playing a drinking game - Best / Worst Day.

my best days - celebrating my 18th birthday with people I love. making it to Australia. when I finally found life in inti. sleepovers in KL. the day when my iPod arrived, the first time I laid my eyes on the engravings. ending SPM. watching the movie twilight after the last exam paper. participated and produced a play in high school. eating Japanese food. waking up beside those I love. formal dinner. birthday dinners. doing crazy things and got away with it. going to the beach at night. brunch at bing. raya shopping. the last day before I left Malaysia. the day of the departure itself.

those were among the best. and some of the worst;

when I got rejected by the scholarship that I badly wanted. when another sponsor decided to accept me after I made up my mind to go to inti uc. the day she left for Egypt. the evening where we had our last dinner before she flew to Canada the day after. the night that I was on the phone from midnight to dawn, when I can't sleep because I failed to get an A for my SPM chemistry paper. the day I found out he has health problems. when someone did something that truly hurt others, and I have to witness that person suffer right in front of my eyes. knowing that from that morning onwards, I will no longer wake up beside you. flunking my semester exams for three consecutive semesters. on the night that I have to let you go back and pack your stuffs, also the morning after, on your last day of college. at KLIA, sending you off to the States. my departure to Brisbane.

and today is just another ordinary day, nothing particular about it. it has been three weeks already. then somehow I just broke down.

I miss those people who had been there through thick and thin, through the phase of ups and downs, watching me at my best, being there at my worst. I had seen this coming though, I was anticipating it actually, three weeks had been my longest kept record of being in shape.

I'm okay, for now. I just had some dinner and there are school works to be completed.

but I'm not done yet.

some hide it better than others.

2011-03-04T00:33:00.001-08:00

it has been mild shower since morning. autumn arrives with rainy, cloudy days. not to mention the melancholy vibes that it brings together. a group of birds - possibly swallows just flew passed the window. going back to their nests, I supposed. who knows what those birds are up to. or maybe they are going to migrate to some place hotter? I don't read birds, so I don't know anything about them. I miss home and that is a normal feeling by now. I miss home so much that I got accustomed to it, not in the way that it is already numb, more towards a constant miss; the feeling is there, but it is far-fetched, not the heart wrenching feeling of wanting to go back at that time and then.

maybe I'm still new that the excitement is still there. it doesn't seem right to use the word excitement though, I wasn't that excited when I first came. the feeling was neutral. maybe those 1.5 years in Nilai has taught me something valuable that I failed to realize up to this point - happiness, euphoria, or satisfaction are processes that need to be gained for them to last longer, they are not some spur-of-the-moment feelings that you get when something unexpected happen. there are those whom I missed dearly, those I think about at night before I go to sleep and even on my unconscious mind when I have other things to think of. leaving them behind wasn't easy, I had to maintained a straight face, pretending to be happy while inside, it was worse than any departure that I have gone through. there were tears in their eyes, I realized them; I wasn't that ignorant, but my alter ego told me to ignore it. I'm truly sorry for that, but I have my own reason.

someone wrote me a note saying "joy is always in US", and I do agree with that. it depends on how we see things and trying to make the best out of it, even in the worst situation possible. on a second reading, with another meaning, that joy is always there. couldn't agree more.

it has been two weeks since I left, life has changed a lot since then. something happened not long after my flight that still got me thinking, it wouldn't occur should I was there.

take care of one another,

I love you, wherever you are ;)

south brisbane, in the beginning of autumn.

you.

2011-02-24T01:16:00.001-08:00

if I am paid 1 dollar for every time you crossed my mind, I'll be a multimillionaire by now.

I am malaysia-sick. rindu semua orang, rindu you, rindu rumah and segala-gala benda yang best and kurang best in malaysia.

gahh. xmaok emo.

like what MJ said before we board the plane; "once you start, you won't be able to stop".

sunshine state.

2011-02-22T01:50:00.001-08:00

g'day mate, how ya doin'?

its my fourth day in brisbane, alhamdulillah. weather was erratic. it was hot for 2 days in a row, then heavy downpour yesterday, I was completely drenched. today was sunny and windy; it was so cold. -.-" I have not yet settled down completely, but things are going pretty much great. convenient location, I only had to walk about 20 mins to go to campus and from campus, it takes about 25-30 mins walk to the city centre.

my sleeping time is all messed up. I'm sleepy as early as 8 pm, go to bed latest by 11.30 pm and wake up by 5-6 am. the boys invited themselves over to our place just now, met them at the city centre and they cooked! :) thank you people! I have not gotten any cool phones yet as I am waiting for march, easier for me to remember the date to pay bills :D

anyways, I'll update you guys later. things are just settling down, I'm still getting used to their accents here and I still need to explore.

owh btw I had a great time men watching here. they're hot! :P

till then.

have a nice day everyone!